Out! A day in the life

Solidarity & Freedom:
OUT!! A day in the life of...
Written, Edited and Published April - June 2004.
All rights reserved.
FRee FORUM Thanks all our Regional Writers
and those who assisted them to have their Voice
heard in this edition.

_______________________________________________________________

ANTIGUA
To ‘come out' of the closet and be totally comfortable
with being ‘gay' takes an extreme amount of courage
and self-assuredness.
In Antigua and more commonly I am sure, as it relates to the church and biblical principles “coming out' or being “gay” is a common act of defiance. It opens an individual up to ridicule, to be ostracized from family and acquaintances and the least, talked about, belittled and condemned.

One thing I've learned is that one should never let a community, the church, family, or society define who you are. The hardest part should be knowing yourself well enough to search your heart and soul and know that your happiness and peace of mind is the most important thing in the world and that your openness to being gay should be as “ABC” to coming out and be proud.

It's time to stop the hypocrisy. A true and close examination of the Holy Scriptures shows anyone willing to see it that God does not hate persons who see themselves as homosexual. My bible tells me that God loves them just as He loves all of His creation.

Let us all stand defiant, hand in hand and say “I am Gay, I am proud and most importantly
I am human. “COME OUT” , stand brave, demand all your rights and demand them now.
-GQ (30)
__________________________________________________

BARBADOS
It's 6:00am and my alarm clock makes that familiar sound. Time for my day to begin, no different from any other.
By 6:30 I am in the gym for my hour and a half workout, because these good looks have to be maintained. 8:00am I am making my way back home to start the money making part of my day. Some days the Salon is busy, other days it isn't, but I am happy to say at the end of the day I have to be proud of, my own Salon.

For most black female West Indians, 4:30 pm usually signals the end of the working day, but for me it's the beginning of the other half of my day. The part that brings me the most pleasure, this is when I get to give to the community my time and talent. In most cases to benefit those others less fortunate than myself. From theatrical performances in dance or sound, to charity work with one of the many organizations to which I belong to.

So what makes me any different from any other West Indian female? The fact that I'm a lesbian? That's not different, that's special!!
-Poohbear (35) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

DOMINICA
I am a farmer in the hills behind a village. I am 32 years old. I know that I was gay from when I was a little boy.
I was attracted to other boys but then as I got older I was told it was wrong and I had to hide it. I left school early and went into farming on family land far from the village. I made friends with a man who came to work with me and live in my shack. We were far from people so it was OK but when we were down in the village we had to act as if we were not close.

I had different partners who came up to stay with me and life was cool away up in the farm. I was always worried about HIV AIDS from the first time I heard about it as a young teenager. Then people I knew got infected and a couple died. Some of the guys that I had been with later, I heard that they were HIV. All that really changed me. I tried to cool down my sex life. The first man who was living with me got in contact with me again and we decided to take up life together again. We said we would stay together and not sex around and so far it has worked out.

We know how we feel about each other but when we go to sell our provisions in market, no one would know, although some people gossip. Sometimes it can be lonely up here but it is better than living among the people in the village when you are gay, or you are a mako as they say in Dominica.
-Eddie (32) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

GRENADA
My sweat and tears must have drained me.
I was an emotional mess; but I did not want to live
the lie any longer.
My relationship with my girlfriend had come to an end just two weeks before, I told my sister I was gay, and I felt it was time to confront my parents with the same news. A good friend of mine had a vacant couch waiting in case I got kicked out…

Today – five years later – my family reminds me that the most important thing to them is that I am truly happy, which I now am. And I never had to use that couch.
-Gerard (32) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

GUYANA
It was September 26, 1991, my first year
after completing CXC Exams.
One year after my first boyfriend and I broke-up and coupled with the fact it marked my first year of work and more so the day of my birth.

I had wanted this day to come so badly, I wanted to pamper myself, so I decided I was going into the city. Clad in short jeans, tank vest and moccasins I headed for Georgetown. Upon entering my favourite boutique “Clairans” I recognised this guy named Wayne I worked with, we exchanged hellos and went our separate ways.

Accidentally, further down the street we met again and we decided to exchange numbers. Later that afternoon Wayne called and enquired of my evening – I replied that it was my birth night for which I had no plans. He suggested that we go somewhere; I agreed and set the date in motion for 8:00 pm.

Wayne picked me up at about 7:45pm. And headed for the “Club Blue Note” – before entering he said it was a gay gig and hoped that I was up to it. It was my first and I was more than up to that. I met all types of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and sex workers. It turned out to be a fabulous night – one I would remember for the rest of my life.

After that night, I frequented the club for at least 2½ years every Saturday night – by which time I was totally out and had met David with whom I've been involved with for 9 years -Christian (25) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

JAMIACA
Sex, sex, sex…that's all some of us see
and certainly all that the homophobes see about us.
They define us based on sex, reducing us not even just to sex, but to one sexual act – “Batty bwoy!” – the act of anal penetration. They criminalize us by criminalizing our sex. They ask us who is the man and who is the woman when what they really mean is “who a jook who?”

I'm beginning to dislike that clinical, politically correct, and terribly limiting term ‘MEN who have SEX with MEN' (MSM) which we use so freely these days.

I like sex…no, I LOVE sex, but in the same way I hate being defined by my colour or race or class, I don't want myself or my orientation to be reduced to SEX. Defining us all by the lowest common denominator – SEX – might be convenient from a public health angle, but it does nothing for our humanity. I'm leaving MSM to the medics and statisticians. I'm an out and proud MAN who LOVES other MEN (MLM)
-Mark (34) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

JAMIACA
I was at school today and the topic of discussion
in the staff room was ‘discipline'.
Suddenly the conversation turned to ‘lesbianism'. Normally I am not at a loss for words talking about homosexuality. However, this time I did not know what to say. My colleague who raised the subject was obviously sending a message to me. I didn't feel threatened but I felt out of control. It was one of those situations where you don't know how to respond or whether to respond. I was waiting for this discussion about lesbianism to end and it just wouldn't, as other colleagues joined in. My mind returned to the time I was sent on ‘lesbian patrol' by my supervisor because ‘the girls will be in the remote parts of the school doing things they are not supposed to do'. I had laughed at the time but I am now having concerns about the obsession with lesbianism at the school. Of all the other issues that people could be and should be concerned about – and trust me, there are lots of disciplinary problems to be dealt with - this is the one which is preoccupying my colleagues. I must admit that it is beginning to challenge my sense of liberty and I am normally a very free man.
-Anthony (31) BACK TO THE TOP
________________________________________________________________________

JAMIACA
I am a 31 year old Jamaican gay male who went through
an “outed” episode some years ago.
Three friends and I went by car on the road one night to have a few drinks and chat. We ended up by a public beach some three miles out of Kingston where we parked and decided to get our toes wet. As we were enjoying each others' company, a searchlight came from nowhere, and the police appeared. “Oh my god!” I thought, as I contemplated that my life was now ended as my name would be all over the papers and my family would want nothing to do with me anymore. They took us to the police station and made us the laughing stock of the crowd who had congregated outside almost as if a loud speaker had announced our arrival.

That's where it began seven years ago. I've been through depression, self denial, suicidal thoughts and the works. The imprisonment experience was an unknown world to me and my fear was that I, a young, employed, Jamaican male, would be in a lock down with criminals and charged for buggery/indecent exposure and to think nothing of the sort occurred. This was just an exercise to embarrass us, added to that the slow justice system here just made it harder to put away.

Returning home was hard with my family and friends. My immediate family members had mixed reactions and my friends were distant from me. Some stayed away. Oddly, friends who I thought would be aloof were sympathetic and gave words of comfort and visited me at the lockup and at home. I found out who my friends were. I lost my job, my self esteem and will to survive at the time but managed to bounce back with encouragement from my mother, good friends and Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-sexuals and Gays (JFLAG). Now I have regained my composure and am now a confident person looking ahead to greater things.
-Howard (31) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

JAMIACA
Being out is a phenomenal experience,
one in which I take great pride and joy.
Being out to family members, particularly my mother, my peers, university mates, and being able to live with other gay men in a community where we are not openly discriminated against makes me feel fulfilled and complete.

Another part of being an ‘out' person is that I feel confident wherever I go and at no point do I feel intimidated or afraid to share my sexual orientation with other persons if they ask. I do not have a problem openly challenging homophobia.

At the same time, I understand why some people choose not to come out, however I take the opportunity to share with them the joyous experience that it is to be free to be me – a proud gay Jamaican man.
-Nick Henry (26) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

ST KITTS
Happiness! Who deserves it?

Should I be the person you want me to be or should I be the person I am? Should I miss out on the wonderful pleasures of love because society does not approve of my sexual preference or should I be “Out”, free and contented?

These are questions I have asked myself a million times over. It's always, “I can't do that, I am going to lose too many friends and family ties.” But lately I am beginning to feel as though I really don't give a f…. Why should my activities; my happiness be limited and directed by society's opinion or standard of my sexual nature? Who really are my friends? Are they the sensible ones who would understand me? Are they educated enough, or even human enough to realise that I am who I am; that I have the right to be a man and not some seemingly atypical life form?

I want to be free, undisguised and to see life and love, not from the world's perspective, but from my individualised sense of emotion and notion.

Society is not going to give me happiness, but would rather see me fall. F… all of them. This is my life. They don't get to choose for me. Every man deserves to be happy and the right to live comfortably.
-Scott (27) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

ST LUCIA
I spend each day balanced between two worlds,
outwardly loving father, gym rat, muscle man,
inwardly a guy who haunts gay chat rooms, surfs gay porn, checks out the asses and bulges of the guys at the gym and lives in a quiet desperation scared to death I will be found out. My Caribbean Island paradise is so homophobic that my heart beats fast just setting these words to paper, the fear of being discovered that I am not only attracted to woman but also physically attracted to men frightening.
-Paul (55) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

ST LUCIA
A half century old Ambi-sexual male
still not having a fixed sexual preference admiring a nice ass irrespective split tail, salami
no matter straight friends from whom I hide my other side distain men who have sex with men gay male friends to whom I have learned to down play my hetro side speak of women as fish loving both women and men I fit in no where admiring equally the beauty of the human form not encumbered by gender prejudice one foot equally planted in each sexual world and yet a part of neither
-Peter (50): Duality BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

ST MAARTEN
There was a time in my life when I was so afraid
of the unknown and I was scared to be me.
There were times when I just wanted to curl up and die because I did not understand myself and what I was going through. After living with depression and a life of darkness for many years I discovered myself one day as I was about to do something real stupid. Yes I wanted to do it .I wanted to kill myself but I was afraid because I did not want to hurt my family .I knew that killing myself would only create more problems for them.

Dealing with the outside world and travelling have made me realize that life is a game. You have to play it. Only by playing it I realized that I had to live it and by living it, I had to meet it head on. I had to learn that my life will be about me and no one else.

I had to admit to myself that YES I am what I am and I will always be true to myself and to my heart. What matters most is the joy and happiness that I feel by being out.
-Azucar (27) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

ST VINCENT
A friend once said to me:
“Gay life is not just about sex and parties”.
Well of course we all know this to not be true! Gay life is about living in the fear of AIDS, living in the fear of discovery, living in fear of the future. Gay life is about lying to your parents, lying to your co-workers, lying to your friends, lying to your wife and children. Gay life is about wondering when you'll finally meet the man of your dreams, or wondering when the man of your dreams will leave you. Above all gay life is simply about doing what it takes to get you through one day to the next. Your choices are yours only to make.

Are gays born or made? Well despite all the proposed scientific theories, (weak father, domineering mother, child molestation etc…) it is clear to most of us that even in our formative years we had homosexual impulses which we acted upon in different ways, some suppressed these impulses only to have them rear into full bloom later in life, some accepted them but remained celibate (usually due to lack of opportunity or fear), and some seized them avidly and began their active homosexual or bisexual life early on in life. It is clear that homosexuality is so deeply ingrained in one's psyche that the true cause of it may never be determined.

After an untroubled youth, I went on to pursue my studies, and I'm now a successful professional, a good citizen with no criminal record, who pays his taxes and contributes greatly to my society. Yet despite all this, I am grouped along with murderers, paedophiles, and rapists just because I choose to have consensual sex with another man. How can this be fair?
-Woody (35) BACK TO THE TOP
__________________________________________________

SURINAME
It was sad to hear that my partner in life
had to get married. He's an Indian guy and lives with
his mother.
He was a “free bird” and loved his freedom. Nobody to tell him what to do. He's gay. And has no feelings for girls. Over two years we have known each other and we enjoyed our companionship. Until his mother pressured him into marrying this girl, who already has moved in with them.

We live in a western society and I can't believe that people are still forced into marriage. Now that it's happened to someone so close to me, I can't bear the pain and emptiness that is in my heart. I know this person so well, and see it as a destruction of his life and the poor girl.

People need to make their own decisions in life and no mother or father or any other person can do this for them. But for some, they don't have that right. I feel helpless for my friend, because he didn't want it to be, but he had no other choice. And I can't fight this to make life for him impossible.

-Hans (25): The day that I will never forget

TOBAGO
I thought that they say Love overcomes everything,
but it doesn't.

Often I ask myself why can't he love me for who I am, but I know the answer to that. You see I am HIV+. I have been for the last 13 years. I have three kids and yes, my life feels empty. Empty because the one I love who loves me so, is not by my side. He won't ever be there now ‘cause people will talk, oh how they talk. They point their finger of judgement and I can't look him in the eyes and say that everything will be all right. It will never be the same.

“Good-bye” he says. “I love you but I can't be with you.” And oh how I cry. I feel that there is nothing left for me, so I work and work. But the rejections are always there in my heart and I start over again because this is the life of an HIV+ young woman living in a small piece of paradise; here pride and hope are the only comforts; where her rights to love freely has been taken away, by the prying eyes and the lying lips of a small tight knit community.
-Ariel (32): Love, Life and HIV in Tobago
_______________________________________________________________

TOBAGO
Born in a small village TOBAGO, I live with my father
and mother and had four brothers and three sisters.

We were very poor and lived in a small two room house with the kitchen outside with no electricity and water in the house. My father works very hard to keep his family safe and well fed. He works as a fisherman and my mother stays at home to care for the children.
Bought up in a Christian home was very hard for me having to deal with the all the Sodom and Gomorrah. It was not easy for me as a young boy. I had to deal with the harassment at school and the name calling. It was hard, very hard.

After leaving school I decided to come to Trinidad to look for work as most young Tobagonians were doing. My life has changed. I became exposed to a new life. At first I did not believe my eyes when I saw gay men or drag queens. I could not think that gay life was so exciting.
I met some gay guys who lived in the same village I was staying and they introduced me to the life, I mean party and the ‘night clubs' the square. Woodford, Victoria and a few others.

In 1982 I met a guy who then became the love of my life. We lived together and had a very happy love life, I also got a good job. Things were good but with life's ups and downs.
In 1985 a friend of mine died and it was a surprise to all because he was young and strong guy and at that time, we weren't aware of the new epidemic that was making way in Trinidad and Tobago. And so it began as a gay plague and more and more young people were dying. It was now know as AIDS the killer. I have lost a lot of my friends and a lover from AIDS.
In 1990 , I got tested and found out that I was positive and that was when I wrote the article CRY FOR HELP. I did not know what to do at the time and all I could think of about was death and my family. I also had a very hard time at work. At that time stigma and discrimination was very high and so I had to leave my job after 14 years. I decided to return back home to Tobago where I will die. After my lover died in Trinidad, I said I would be next. In 2000 I was very ill near death but I survived, my mother and sisters care for me at the time, with lots of love and prayers. In 2001 I got ill again but not as bad as the first time. In 2002 I found out about an organization in Tobago that gives care and support to people living with HIV/AIDS and so I joined up with the support group. In 2003 I was put on ARV, today I am happy to be alive and getting better every day.
Today I am still crying, crying for all the young gays guys who are still not taking care of themselves, crying for the young men and women who are being infected everyday. Crying for the loss of my brother and his wife and most of all, my lover. When will it end?
-Don (35): A Cry for Help BACK TO THE TOP
________________________________________________________________________

TRINIDAD
My life has its ups and its downs, but it is my life
and I live it to the fullest,

with no regrets about how it is and how I live it and this is what it is. The Ups: Money. Its good to have it and out ‘here' I get it in abundance. Like they pay me my services and still take me shopping, well the really cute ones anyway. The men are intense like everything you wanted and more. The ride, well you all know a sister can steer the wheel any which way she wants and these ‘johns' just like to see me behind theirs. And I do drive them well and one day I will own one of my own. Yeah, I got my head straight on.

The Uniforms: We ‘gals' who hang on the corner are in constant conflict with ‘boys in blue'. Well some of them are good old flicks. They protect and serve and sometimes we serve them up, if ya know what I mean. But they also do not appreciate my finer talents. They let you know how much they do by arresting you, running you down and making business harder to get on the corner.

The Downs: Those cheap buggers who don't know their place and try to get a ‘mister-sister' for only twenty dollars. Please! Then there are the bashers who make a girl have to run in heels, fight or just die. They do not know how hard this crap is to do every day. Why do they come round and make it even harder. At the end of the day there is always the risk of the dreaded big “A”, we can catch it faster than the common cold and we are constantly in agony with the –“Did I do this right or did I do this wrong.” Well, we all have to protect ourselves, but sometimes out here, shit happens. This is a brief look at me in my space. Now get out of here, I've got work to do.
- Beverly (29). A girl quite like no other BACK TO THE TOP