BREAKING THE SILENCE =

Coming Out: A Step By Step Process

What does it mean to come out?

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay, men who have sex with men (MSM) or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.

Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving or reject you? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of in the area you live or where you work? Will you ever get married or have children? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.

Create a personal inventory when coming out.

Yes, many gay / MSM people experience rejection when they come out, but many also find a loving and accepting support system, leading to a fulfilling gay lifestyle. Even so, happiness starts from within. And getting to know you is a key part of the process.

Though being gay doesn't define you, it is a new part of your life. You can still be the same person you've always been, but take some "me" time to evaluate your transition. You don't have to become a complete hermit, but concentrate on your own well being and feelings. This will make you stronger, more confident and sure of yourself. Learn as much as you can about yourself and what YOU want your gay lifestyle to be.

Take a personal inventory of your life.

Write down any anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life.

Don't forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you've done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.). What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be.

This may seem like a silly exercise at first, but will be beneficial in the long run. Forgive yourself for any anger, resentment and guilt you may have for yourself and others and concentrate on your positive qualities. Create a new life for yourself by shaping it around your new life goals. Even as a gay person these things are possible!

Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It doesn't matter if you live in a small village, town or city environment; nothing can be more isolating than first coming out. You can be surrounded by familiar people and still feel you are the only one that is "different." We've all felt these feelings when first coming out and there are thousands more just like you that are currently feeling the same. There are some resources, such as older gay men who can provide you with individual peer support; and gay/MSM support groups being managed in many Caribbean countries. Ask around as they are grassroots in nature and have a private and confidential system to protect its participants. Ask around, you might be surprised what’s in your ‘back-yard.’

Deal with stereotypes, discrimination and hate against gays.

Many gay/MSM men don't fit into existing stereotypes associated with gay communities, but feel the pressure to do so by society or even other gay people. Rest assured, the gay/MSM community is just as diverse as any other community and each gay man is an individual.

Unfortunately, this doesn't always prevent things like name-calling. You may be thinking whoever coined the term "words will never hurt me" obviously was never called a ‘buller’ or ‘batty-man’ in a crowded room or public space, but you do have an opportunity to take control of the situation. Maybe not by force or that rapid one liner, but by protecting your own emotions and dealing with the situation that preserves your self esteem and your safety. Tune-out others who may be around. Any person worth your friendship will see the haters for what they are- cowards.

Even amongst laughs try not to feed into the stereotypes. Be proud of the person you are and know that your offender's comments or actions are based on their lack of understanding and fear, not your deficiency. Stand tall or flee the scene, just make safety (and not your pride) your top priority. Sometimes the bravest of the battle is the one who can walk away from the ignorance. Seek solace in those around you that do accept you and always try and prevent a confrontational situation that could lead to a gay bashing incident.

Know that there are also a number of national MSM and Gay organisations working against stigma and discrimination.

Tell family and friends you're gay when you're ready.

Every gay or bisexual man considers how their family and friends will react to the news that they are gay. Will your family reject you? Will your friends suddenly feel uncomfortable? Will you lose good friends or family members? These are valid questions that we must consider and unfortunately, there is no way to predict how your loved ones will react to your sexuality. The most important thing to consider is your own health and well being.

Come out to family and friends at a pace that makes YOU comfortable. There is no set timeline or proper order of disclosure and each person's situation is different. Nonetheless, the one common thread amongst gay men is the liberation they feel once they no longer have to hide their feelings. Keeping your sexuality buried can be devastating to your stability in the long run.

Surround yourself with as many positive influences, just in case your folks don't take the news so well. Try and educate your family about your lifestyle and find a support program at a local gay community organisation.

Don't give up on marriage or children.

Many of us grow up with dreams of a happy committed relationship and a house full of children. Contrary to popular belief, being gay does not condemn you to a life alone without kids. Gay marriage, civil unions or domestic partnerships is afforded to gays in many countries and states. And though legal protection is best, many gay men around the world have families that include stable and long-term relationships and natural-born or adopted children.

Learn about the many places where gay marriage is legal and how to become a gay parent.

Learn about gay love, relationships and sex.

Gay men share unique experiences when it comes to gay love, relationships and sex. Without societal "norms" for gay people, some can feel isolated or confused when it comes to matters of the heart, managing relationships and sex. FRee FORUM will explore these issues in another article, but would like to advise that the gay community is considered a high-risk group relating to HIV, AIDS and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). As, such making sexual decisions should be based on the following principles:

  • Get all the information you can about your choices
  • Think about what you want and don’t want
  • Figure out how you feel about the situation and choose the option that best fits you
  • Be assertive and communicate your decision to your partner
  • Don’t let others pressure you
  • If you feel good about yourself, you’re more likely to make healthy decisions
  • Making decisions is easier if you have taken the time to think about how you feel and if you make decisions in non-pressured situations
  • Using drugs and alcohol can get in the way of making a good decision
  • Practising safer sex guidelines for HIV/AIDS will better protect you from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
  • Oral sex is sexual activity and puts you at risk to being infected with a sexually transmitted infection (STIs)

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Coming out is an experienced shared by many gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender individuals. You are not alone and there is help available.

Firstly ask about in your community how to find gay or MSM groups that offer counselling or peer support one-on-one services; or ‘safe environment’ support groups where there are others you can share and discuss similar concerns. Many support groups understand the need to protect your privacy and manage all discussions in a confidential manner.

There are also many online resources available for you and your family and friends. Browse through the Gay Life site or the discussion forum for advice and information. If you still don't find the answers to your questions, feel free to contact your Gay Life Guide with any concerns or just to say hello. Happy coming out and congratulations on this major life step!

 

All rights reserved.
Research data courtesy Gay Life.com
Re- edited by DENI


 

 

SLIGHT FEVER OF A 20-TEAR OLD (TOUCH OF FEVER). JAPAN Review: This film became a surprising hit in Japan despite its gay themes as young women lined up for hours to watch it. Tatsuro is a young man who keeps whatever emotions he may be feeling buried deep inside himself. He's not close to his family, despite attempts by his father to be part of his son's life. He lives by himself in an apartment while he finishes college. To pay for all this, he has taken a job as a hustler, turning tricks. You never know if Tatsuro is gay or straight because to him sex is sex and the partner involved is almost incidental. This is a very subtle film that looks at what lies beneath the surface. The emotions we keep hidden away and are afraid to show to the world or the emotions that we can't hide and that are all too clear to anyone who bothers to look.